The Pub Bores

Archie.

[M1 walks into pub. SD, as barman, gives him a free beer]

[SD] Awight, mate? I saw you fight last week at the Civic 'all. I fought you done very well. There ya go, mate - 'ave that on the 'ouse.

[M1 nods in appreciation. PW sidles over to the bar next to M1]

[PW] 'ey. You a boxer then, are ya? Eh? Ha-ha! In the old fighting game, are ya? I tell ya what, it's the hardest game in the world, innit? Eh? The old fight game?

[PW does some half-hearted shadow boxing]

[PW] Ah. Oh, yeah. I used to do it meself, y'know. Yeah. I was a boxer thirty years man and boy, I was. Hardest game in the world. Yeah. I come out of Bethnel Green, I do. Yeah. I know Charlie Magri - all them boys, yeah.

[slight pause]

[PW] Four 'undred professional fights, I 'ad. Yeah. I lost every single one.

[pause]

[PW] Both me retinas detached. Yeah. Yeah. What really put the kaibosh on it, though, was a very bad back injury I got when I fell off of a bus. Yeah. I 'ad two barbel out on Saturday. Yeah. One on span, an' the other on double caster over a bed of 'emp. Yeah. After that it was all eels. Huh. Although Stan did 'ave a nice pike on. He lost it though. Yeah. Went through the six pahnd line like cotton! Yeah. D'you like the music of Elvis Presley?

[slight pause]

[PW] Only, I prefer Frank Sinatra, meself.

[M1 has had enough, and walks over to a table. PW perseveres]

[PW] Yeah. I tell ya what - if Ronnie an' Reggie was around be a lot less trouble, wouldn't there, eh? Any road, be lucky.

Mike.

[F1 walks into a pub wearing cycling kit and orders a drink]

[MF sidles over to the bar next to F1]

[MF] ‘ey. You been watchin the Tour de France Eh? The ol’continental cycling.. ha-ha! In the old racing game are yer? I tell ya what, that’s the ‘ardest game in the world, innit? Eh? The old stage racing game?

[F1 remains impassive]

[MF] Ah. Oh, yeah. I used to do it meself, y’know. Yeah. Thirty years man and boy. Hardest game in the world. Superhuman those pros; Bernal, Quintana, Alaphilippe.. After 11 stages round Ireland I was glad we’d finished that FBD Milk Rás, but them guys ‘ave done 11 and still got 10 more to go!

[slight pause]

[MF] Rained every single day it did. This one stage I was totally washed out, I asked this Irish lad “Much left to the finish?”, he says “In 3 miles, we’ve got 10Ks to go!”

[slight pause as MF has a sup]

[MF] Yeah, based in Brittany I was. Directeur Sportif ‘ad been a Peugeot pro. Old school. ‘im an’Millar, Yates, Peiper, Gilbert Duclos-Lassalle – all those boys. Ruled us like a tartar ‘e did.

[F1 looks uncomfortable and tries to walk away]

[MF] I 'ad to give it up in the end. Terrible pains. Me stomach became distended. Yeah. Terrible. ‘ardest game in the world

[F1 clears throat and looks around awkwardly]

[MF] What do you think of, er, the chart music of the 80s? Uh? New Order's Blue Monday? Great soundtrack to a bit of the ol’city centre bike racing…

[F1 walks off]